Saturday, March 3, 2012

4:20am - Can't Sleep

Another night without sleep.  I have taken 2 Ambien and it hasn't helped.  I just got done drinking Decafe Constant Comment tea.  I love the stuff.  I was hoping it would start raining again.  A big storm would be nice.  I feel bad for all those people in IN that lost their homes and lives.  How devastating.

I have met a milestone today.  I thought of you, Montana and didn't cry.  There were tears in my eyes but I didn't sob like I always so.  It isn't that I love you any less, Montana.  I still miss you like crazy and I know I always will!  I am just hoping the memories out way the tears.  I know I could be good today and break down tomorrow.  It is crazy how that works.  I ordered your Urn a couple days ago.  I hope it turns out the way I am hoping it will.
I just needed something beautiful to put you in.  It seems weird that you have been in a tin box since September.  I have opened that box once and that was the night I brought you home.  I know I am going to have a hard time opening it up again.  The guy from the crematorium enclosed a very nice card telling me you were privately cremated and it has your name on another card.  It is very nice.

Monday, March 5, 2012, you will be gone 6 mos.  I never knew I could cry every day and call out your name for 6 mos straight.  180 days straight of crying.  I know you wouldn't want me to cry but I can't help it.  You aren't here for me to touch you and I miss that.  I miss your silly ways.  Bailey has been a godsend.  If it weren't for her I would be with you.  I have thought about it several times but I couldn't leave Bailey.  Who knows what would happen to her and I can't let anything bad happen to her.

Well I suppose I should try to get some sleep.  I haven't been able to remember my dreams lately but I wish you would come to me in my dreams and have me remember them.  Goodnight my sweet love.  My heart dog!

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