2 Days

You are not going to believe it!  I have not cried in two days.  What is happening to me?  Am I finally moving on and excepting your death?  I don't know what to think of it.  Today I was busy worrying about Bailey.  She had her tumor removed and I was a nervous wreck the whole day.  Sick to my stomach and everything.  I was so relieved when they called and said that things went well.  I was still nervous.  I didn't feel better until I got her home and took a good look at her.  She has quite the incision and obviously her chest is shaved.  They brushed her and cut her nails when they were done with the surgery.  I was very pleased to see that.  It looks like she will be ok.

I miss you so much, Montana.  Please don't think I don't love and miss you because I do.  More than you will ever know.  Maybe you do know.  Are you around?  I haven't seen any signs.  Were you there watching over Bailey during her surgery?  I like to think you were.  I got your urn last Thursday and couldn't open it.  Dumb me I was turning the screws the wrong way.  I brought it to Val and Andy's to help me open it.  I also brought the tin urn that you were in and the little baggy of your hair that I had.  Once we opened the new urn I had to open the tin urn where your ashes were.  I  didn't cry.  I got tears in my eyes but didn't cry.  I put the ashes, hair and two little cards from the crematorium in the new urn.  Sealed it back up and brought you home.  I miss you my big beautiful boy.  You are in my heart always.

 

6 Mos Later/ Memories

Well..... today marks 6 mos I have been without you.  Where has the time gone?  It just seems like yesterday you were here with me.  Now you are gone.  My life isn't the same without you.  Bailey still misses you.  She wanders around here looking for you and barely playing with her toys.  She hardly eats.  I think we are still both grieving for you.  You left such a hole in my heart.  Bailey fills a lot of it but you took a lot with you.  I go to Petloss.com and chat in the chat room almost every night.  There are some great people there.  I was able to tell them all about you.  How beautiful you were and how silly you could be at times.  Then the horrible morning of September 5th, 2011.  It still plays over and over in my head.  Could I have done something different?   Would you have survived the surgery they wanted to perform on you?  Did I do the right thing to let you go?  Should I have been more selfish and put you through that horrible surgery?  I don't think so.  I think I did the right thing to help you to The Bridge.  I am sure that was the kindest thing I could do.  I should be getting your new urn on Thursday.  I can't wait to see it.  That will mean I have to open your tin urn again.  I am afraid to.  I don't want to see the ashes again.  I don't want to think about that being you.  In my heart I know that isn't you.  You are with me always.  Just not in a body.  Those ashes aren't you.  Just the remains of a shell.

Well my sweet love.... I must go to bed and think about you and talk to you like I do every night.  You are missed and so loved!

The Next Day

I was doing so good until tonight.  Val and I went out to dinner and she was telling me that Zander is so stubborn just like you were.  She said he reminds her a lot of you.  She also said that his back end was turning the same color as you were.  All of a sudden I was crying again.  Darn it!  I just can't seem to go more than one day without crying for you.  The loss is almost unbearable.

There is a cycle of love and death that shapes the lives of those who choose to travel in the company of animals. It is a cycle unlike any other. To those who have never lived through it's turnings or walked it's rocky path, our willingness to give our hearts with full knowledge that they will be broken seems incomprehensible. Only we know how small a price we pay for what we receive; our grief, no matter how powerful it may be, is an insufficient measure of the JOY we have been given.
♥
(Bones would rain from the sky - Suzanne Cloither)

4:20am - Can't Sleep

Another night without sleep.  I have taken 2 Ambien and it hasn't helped.  I just got done drinking Decafe Constant Comment tea.  I love the stuff.  I was hoping it would start raining again.  A big storm would be nice.  I feel bad for all those people in IN that lost their homes and lives.  How devastating.

I have met a milestone today.  I thought of you, Montana and didn't cry.  There were tears in my eyes but I didn't sob like I always so.  It isn't that I love you any less, Montana.  I still miss you like crazy and I know I always will!  I am just hoping the memories out way the tears.  I know I could be good today and break down tomorrow.  It is crazy how that works.  I ordered your Urn a couple days ago.  I hope it turns out the way I am hoping it will.

I just needed something beautiful to put you in.  It seems weird that you have been in a tin box since September.  I have opened that box once and that was the night I brought you home.  I know I am going to have a hard time opening it up again.  The guy from the crematorium enclosed a very nice card telling me you were privately cremated and it has your name on another card.  It is very nice.

Monday, March 5, 2012, you will be gone 6 mos.  I never knew I could cry every day and call out your name for 6 mos straight.  180 days straight of crying.  I know you wouldn't want me to cry but I can't help it.  You aren't here for me to touch you and I miss that.  I miss your silly ways.  Bailey has been a godsend.  If it weren't for her I would be with you.  I have thought about it several times but I couldn't leave Bailey.  Who knows what would happen to her and I can't let anything bad happen to her.

Well I suppose I should try to get some sleep.  I haven't been able to remember my dreams lately but I wish you would come to me in my dreams and have me remember them.  Goodnight my sweet love.  My heart dog!

Bodie, Your Friend, Died Yesterday

My sweet Montana.  Bodie, one of your Dogster buddies, passed away yesterday.  The vet found a large mass on his lungs.  His mom brought him to the vet because he was having trouble breathing.  He had a 106 degree temp (just like you did) and he was dehydrated.  They did xrays and found the mass.  The vet did all he could but Bodie's lungs collapsed.  They did CPR but could not save him.  He was only 9 yrs old.  I hope you were there along with his sister Kiara to meet him at The Rainbow Bridge.

His poor Mom!  I know she is just heartbroken.  It happened so suddenly.  First Kiara died on September 5, 2009, you died on September 5, 2011 and now Bodie, February 29, 2012.  So many of your friends are going to the Rainbow Bridge.  I hope you are having a wonderful party for all the new comers.  I can see you all playing like true huskies in the snow North of the Bridge.  We can't wait to be reunited with our furbabies.  You all are so precious to us.  Our lives are empty without you in them.  I am grateful that I have Bailey, your sister, and Margie has Sinatra, Bodie's brother.  I hope Sinatra helps Margie through the tough times just like Bailey has helped me. 

I want to do something special for Margie with one of Margie's favorite pictures of Bodie.  I really want to do what she did for me when you died.  I wish I could do more for her.  She really has a good heart and have always been there for me when you died, Montana.  This is the picture she had made for me after you died.

I am so grateful that she thought of me.  Taja Vanilla Moon Graphics made it so she could give it to me.  So thoughtful.  I just love this picture!

It is 3:40am.  I have taken 2 Ambien and it isn't doing anything for me.  With Bodie's death, all the feelings of heartbreak are back.  I feel like I lost you all over again.  I was laying in bed trying to sleep and I cried out your name, Montana.  Oh my sweet boy I am just so lost without you.  I miss the 3am barking to let you outside.  Maybe that is why I usually wake up at that time every night since Sept 5, 2011.  Next Monday, March 5, 2012, you will have been gone 6 mos.  I can't believe it!  Where has the time gone.  It just seems like yesterday I was giving you hugs and kisses.  You would lay down on your side with your paw up in the air wanting me to pet you and hold your paw.  You were a silly boy.  I miss so much abut you.  You use to antagonize Bailey when she would eat her food.  You would stand there and bark at her just to get her to eat quicker so you could then check out her bowl and eat whatever was left in there.  Usually there wasn't anything left and you would move on to your bowl and finish it completely.  That is why I think Bailey is having a hard time eating now.  There isn't anyone rushing her to eat.  Maybe she isn't use to eating whenever she wants to with no pressure.  However she did just eat her dinner 2 days in a row.  It is a miracle.  I didn't even have to put anything on it except Bug Off Garlic.  We have had quite a few claps of thunder tonight.  While Bailey would be hiding in the bathtub you would be glued to my side....panting hard.  I would pet you and sooth you trying to calm you down.  Everything I wasn't suppose to do with a fearful dog.  I just want you to know how much I cared for you and your safety.  I felt better myself holding you in my arms during a storm.  I still haven't up my curtains that you ripped down trying to hide in the corner of the bedroom behind the bed last spring or summer.  It really didn't matter to me.  Your safety is what meant to me.

When the time came for you to go to the Bridge, I hoped and prayed that you weren't afraid.  I was there holding your paw, soothing your face and rubbing your ears.  Telling you over and over that you were such a good boy and that I loved you so much.  I really hoped you understood me.  I wanted you to go peacefully.  When you started struggling it really scared me.  I tried to calm you down by telling you it was ok and that I loved you and continued to rub your face and ears even though you were struggling to get up.  I will never forget that.  You finally laid down with a peaceful look on your face.  I heard your breathing became shallow and the doctor took his stethoscope and told me you were gone.  Oh how I flung myself over you and just sobbed.  I am sure the whole place heard me crying.  I really didn't care.  My sweet boy had gone to The Bridge and I couldn't go with him.  Oh did I want to, but I had to think of my sweet Bailey.  She never got to say goodbye to her brother and I don't know how she would have reacted.  Maybe she still wouldn't be grieving now.  It is a mystery.  I have Montana's fur in little plastic bag.  Eventually I will get a bigger urn and hope to place the fur inside it.  Now that you are gone from this world all my focus is on Bailey.

I have to bring her to the vet on Friday because she has a very large Lipoma on her chest.  It seems to be getting bigger and I just don't want it to become to uncomfortable for her.   Not sure if they would suggest surgery.  She is 10 yrs old now and I know surgery for seniors is risky at times.  We shall see what they say on Friday.  Bailey is an angel and my shadow.  What would I do without her.  I love my pets as if they were my children.  I would do anything for them.

Good night my sweet Montana.  Please come visit me once in awhile.  I really want to feel your presence.  Please come back to my dreams.  I miss you there.

All my love,

Mom!